Harry Sue
by Maniac Inside The Radio
Summary: Yet another American transfer student is shocked when her advances are not welcomed by her poor stalkee, Harry Potter. I'm just having some fun with lampooning Mary-Sues...again. ETA: Abandoned long ago, sorry.
1. Chapter 1

Harry-Sue, Chapter One 

Disclaimer: I am not J. K. Rowling, and I don't write Mary-Sues. Basically, I own nothing found here.

* * *

It was yet another ordinary Monday morning at Hogwarts. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were having breakfast in the Great Hall when suddenly, an extremely beautiful girl with long, shining blonde hair and eyes that were continually changing color walked in. She spotted Harry and made straight for the Gryffindor table. Ron zoned out staring at her. 

"Like, hi, Harry!" she said in a scarily Valley-Girl-ish voice. She smiled, showing blindingly white teeth, and tossed her hair. "My name is, like, Phoenix Alagdhewen Destynia Dumbledore, but you can call me Phoenix for short! I'm, like, Dumbledore's granddaughter and I'm a, like, transfer student from America, and I just got placed in 6th year Gryffindor classes because I'm, like, soooo smart, you know? Professor McGonagall said that I'm even smarter than, like, Hermione!" The girl looked witheringly at poor Hermione. "And I'm the heir of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, AND Ravenclaw, but not Slytherin, because he's, like, _icky_," Phoenix finished.

Harry stared at her uncomprehendingly. It was WAY too early in the morning for him to digest anything she was saying. Meanwhile, Ron was still staring at Phoenix, making a low gurgling noise.

Phoenix blathered on for a bit more about how perfect she was, getting death glares from Hermione the entire time. When she used the words "colour" or "realise", you could almost hear the gratuitous English spelling.

"Well, I'll, like, see you in Divination, Harry!" chirped Phoenix. She hadn't eaten anything no big surprise, seeing as she had carelessly let the Size 1 tag outside the tank top she wore under her robes. She left the Great Hall, much to the chagrin of most of the boys.

"Harry," Ron said eventually, "do you remember her mentioning if she had veela blood?"

* * *

"Oh, no," moaned Ron as he and Harry entered the Potions dungeon. He pointed to the list of ingredients already on the board. Indignant comments and muttered swears were heard from the students around them. "He's making us review our old skills! Look, we've got to do that stupid Draught Of Peace again." 

"Why?"

Blink. Blink. Blank stare. "Because he's evil?"

"Meh...Seems about right."

At that moment, Professor Snape entered the dungeon, the class becoming quiet instantly. He sneered at them all in general for a few seconds, but was interrupted by a knock at the door. He opened it, and suddenly all the malice was gone from his expression. Smiling genially, he turned to the class. "Class, this is Miss Dumbledore, our new student. She is extremely intelligent " he broke off, now grinning evilly and rubbing his palms together "and will make me famed across the world for producing such a brilliant student...heh heh heh..."

Phoenix smiled, showing her perfectly straight, blindingly white teeth, and shoved herself into a space next to Harry of course.

"Oh, didn't you know, Harry?" she asked, noting his surprise. "I'm in, like, all of your classes! Isn't that, like, totally awesome?" Flutter eyelashes. Giggle.

Harry groaned. It was going to be a long day...

* * *

By Wednesday, Harry's life had become a living hell. Phoenix was continually flirting with Harry and hanging on his arm. Well, he _did_ rather like being admired and all for once, but it had gotten really old, really fast. Additionally, the girl's incredibly annoying, incessant chatter in an American accent, even worse was giving Harry a huge headache. This was particularly bad, because Harry found it hard to concentrate on his ever-increasing load of homework. Setting his job goal of being an Auror meant that Harry had to suffer through two more years of Snape's classes. Of course, Phoenix had offered to help him with her amazing knowledge, but that was the _last_ thing he wanted. 

In fact, Harry found sympathy in the most unexpected of places - from his worst enemy. That morning, while passing in the halls, Malfoy beckoned to Harry just as he'd managed to lose Phoenix in the crowd. Just great, Harry thought. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

"Right, Potter," snapped Malfoy with the usual amount of malice in his voice. "Is that scary girl gone yet?' He glanced around nervously, but Phoenix was nowhere to be seen.

"Out with it, Malfoy, what do you want?" Harry replied wearily.

"Well..." Malfoy fidgeted. "Look, you and I are hardly great pals" Harry snorted "but, well, _her_…you know who I mean…she's more ill luck than _anyone_ could deserve. I pity you...almost."

Harry stared at him in shock at this display of any emotion other than sneering scorn. He hadn't thought it physically possible for his nemesis to feel sympathy. Malfoy, red-faced, took this opportunity to slip off to his next class.

"Oh, and this doesn't mean I like you, Potter!" Malfoy spat over his shoulder. Harry nodded. Things, in one aspect at least, were somewhat normal.

* * *

Hogwarts' bells chimed half past midnight. A dark figure slipped into the library, keeping to the shadows. It went straight for a small bookshelf that had certainly not been there that morning. The shade pulled a book off the shelf and leafed through, finally stopping and reading intently. 

As the figure turned to leave, it knocked over a chair with a loud bang. Filch, having been prowling outside, appeared in a matter of seconds, screaming, "YOU THERE, STOP! STUDENT OUT OF BED! STUDENT..."

However, neither the bookshelf nor the person was anywhere to be seen.

* * *

A/N: All right, I can't be arrogant enough to say I did this without help. Millikov came up with the name "Alagdhewen" according to the Barrow-Downs generator, Elvish for "Mary-Sue". I've probably stolen countless more ideas from people, but I'll try to credit you. I promise; this will not just be a repeated "I Wanna Be A Mary-Sue" set in a different fandom. As I plan it, there will be only two or three chapters. I've learned that I have absolutely no patience for writing long stories mostly in the continuity struggles as my writing style changes. 

Please no flames. If you just write, "u suk go 2 hel", then a) I won't value your opinion too much, because your own writing skills are pretty much crap, and b) I can't really improve on my writing with that as an example, now can I? I need all the help I can get, so feel free to tell me when I'm doing stuff badly.

Some semblance of a plot will be revealed in the next chapter. Joy. Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

Harry-Sue, Chapter Two

* * *

After just over a month of Phoenix's company, one would think that things couldn't have gotten worse for Harry Potter -- Hermione wouldn't speak to him when Phoenix was around read: always, and for that matter, _Ron_ wasn't able to form a coherent sentence within a fifty-foot radius of the girl. Phoenix's unrequited attention to Harry gained either lofty smirks or jealous glares in the halls, or sent Cho running to the bathrooms to cry; and for all this, she simply _had_ to be incredibly annoying.

One would _think_, yes. But it gets worse than this...

Harry had noticed that lately, the very fundamentals that made his life at Hogwarts what it was seemed to be reshaping themselves to fit Phoenix. Peeves hid at the sight of her, she had turned McGonagall and Snape all simpering and soft, but for the homework they gave that she finished in an instant, defying all laws of nature, and -- horror of horrors -- she had an MP3 player on Hogwarts grounds that supposedly ran on magic. She used this weapon to force Harry to constantly listen to sappy emo love songs, during which she tried to gaze into his eyes and sigh deeply as they shared a pair of those annoying ear buds.

This last part confused Harry so much that he borrowed Hermione's copy of Hogwarts, A History just to check whether this was actually possible or not. After some searching through long chronicles of the lives of old Headmasters, he found the section dealing with Muggle devices. Sure enough, the passage read, _Most modern Muggle devices will not work on or near school grounds, due to the high concentration of magic in the area. Items may be charmed to run off magic indefinitely, but only by a wizard or witch of great power._

_It figures_, Harry thought disgustedly. _Even a moldy old book sings her praises._ He continued flipping through the book. While large and unwieldy, parts of it were actually quite interesting. Harry was leafing through a part describing former famous and infamous Quidditch Cup matches, when he gasped.

Here the book was_ writing itself._

Wondering if this was actually another enchanted diary or some such thing, he gingerly dripped a bit of ink onto the page. It vanished, but then the unseen hand stopped writing about the many injuries incurred by the Wronski Feint and scolded, _Please stop doing that._ The words vanished after a few seconds, and it continued on with its former topic.

Ignoring the message, Harry scrawled hastily onto the adjacent blank page, _Why are you writing? Wasn't this book finished ages ago?_

The response came almost instantly. _Hogwarts, A History is meant to update itself whenever events at Hogwarts change. There has been an extreme dimension shift on the school grounds recently._

_A "dimension shift"? What do you mean?_ asked Harry, his penmanship becoming worse by the second.

_+ MELON MELON MELON + Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot ,_ came the reply.

"Oh, for heaven's _sake_," said Hermione from behind him. Harry jumped, immediately wishing he hadn't written in -- and, apparently, confused -- Hermione's book. However, instead of admonishing him, she took his quill and wrote neatly onto the page, _Dried frog pills_.

_+ Hello, Thinks Mr. Purple Cat! Does your spoon worry you+_

"What on Earth did you ask it, Harry?" said Hermione, exasperated. She re-inked the quill and tried again: _Lots of dried frog pills._

After a moment, the ink vanished from her message and Hogwarts, A History resumed its work.

"Hermione," Harry managed eventually, "what's going on here, exactly? Not just the book, but everything?"

"I wish I knew. But we have to do _something _about it, before we wake up one day to find the castle has been repainted bright, happy pink."

Harry winced. "Definitely. And what was with the dried frog pills thing?"

"Amazing stuff, isn't it?"

* * *

Midnight struck again, quite dramatically. The mysterious cloaked figure from last chapter slipped back into the library, returned the slim volume that it had taken from the sometimes-existent bookshelf on its last visit, and pulled a new one off the shelf. Every move was perfectly calculated to be least noticeable in the shadows of the library, the few sounds made were perfectly masked by the occasional snores of a portrait's occupant or the quiet noises made as recently returned books sorted themselves onto shelves -- this was a _magical_ library, after all -- and there was a perfect rhythm to the turning of the pages as the figure read through this new book.

By now, "perfect" should be a bit of a tip-off to you.

As the school clock struck quarter till one, Phoenix hurriedly replaced the book on the shelf -- she didn't want to have to keep one of _those_ books with her unless something like last night happened again. She paused a moment to admire the, admittedly, perfect drape of her black cloak against her perfect figure...

And thought she heard, for a moment, a soft whirr as the clock finished chiming. She froze, barely breathing, and stood unmoving for a few minutes. When nothing happened, she relaxed slightly.

"Hogwarts has yet to be as perfect as me," Phoenix breathed, her voice barely audible to her own ears, "but soon, it _will_ be." She paused, for the perfect tone of drama it added to her words, before adding, "Whether it wants to perfect itself or not." She swept silently from the library back to Gryffindor Tower, taking care to keep to shadows as she went.

Hermione, Harry, and a camera borrowed from Colin followed her under the Invisibility Cloak.

* * *

In response to your pleas well, singular plea, I've gotten off my lazy butt and written more for your enjoyment! Yaaay! Also, in case you didn't notice, the responses from Hogwarts, A History were blatant ripoffs of Terry Pratchett's _Discworld_ series. There, I've disclaimed. Don't sue me now.

I plan to end this next chapter, because of hated continuity. Thanks for reading!


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